definition of hate

Last April, I decided to post my definition of the word "love" and what the word means to me. I was going to have one for my definition of "hate", but formspring spazzed and completely failed on me. But now, I got all the questions back, so I can post my exact words for it! Joy!

Q: How would YOU define Hate? :(

A: Disclaimer: the only times I would use the word "hate" for example, is: "Ugh, I hate math homework." or "I hate bug bites." And I don't even really detest those, I just think they're a nuisance, but is a part of life and must be dealt with, even when I'm not inclined to. I wouldn't say I hate someone, even one who's wronged me, and mean it. Sure, it's possible I'd say I hate a person, but I really mean I just dislike them. To feel hate is to be hate, in my opinion, and I don't want to be hate.

Hatred is total loathing, animosity, or detestation for/of a person or thing, usually with the need to dispatch, negate, avoid, or depose the subject. It can be derived from fear or a way of managing with something from another time, either past or present. Those conflicted and with complicated thoughts that incorporate hate, could be described as a love-hate relationship. Hate of a person or thing could be brought on by a capacious period of vexation from the hating subject. But most of all, hate is when you are exhausted and resigned from carrying on with one that gives you great pain and will not let you be at peace.

Hope this is enough. If you need clarification, well, ask away.

14,000

On my goal to clean out my white shelf, I found my book called "14,000 things to be happy about." Let me just say, I did have any intention of buying it, and yet here I am 3 years later, perusing the pages because my boyfriend at the time thought I should have something to cheer me up when I'm in my "destructive sadness". Which is to say, when it's that time of the month for us ladies. Anyroad...for the rest of the summer, I will post 5 things I picked out of the book that made my day. Here is today's list.

The Beach Boys (488)

Strawberry Sandwiches (145)

Long Socks (65)

City Squares (209)

Tea Kettles (2)

wrecked feelings©

Just say what you mean

I know words mean nothing.

So teach me to understand

Make me feel what you can't feel

Show me what I can't comprehend

But don't tell me to go,

Please dont' push me away

Because if I don't see you at all

I'll never get you out of my mind

When you're not in front of me,

I see you in my thoughts,

Always hear you in my head

If you don't love me,

Hate me

Make it easier to get over you

Help me forget my feelings

So I can love myself again

I'm tired of feeling

Let me be numb from it all

Be disconnected from the hurt

Lose everything that reminds of you

Happy, sad, all of it gone

It's useless to recall any memories,

What'd be the point? Why must I?

To get a moment of joy?

I'd rather be consistently downcast

Than fleetingly feel happiness

Not really experience it, just pass it by

I wouldn't want that for myself

Life would be unbearable

A living nightmare, consuming pain

I refuse to got through hell again

C.M. de Leon

(2008)

hasf 2010

HASF: Haight-Ashbury Street Fair 2010.

I'd have put this up yesterday, but silly old me was too exhausted from the day's shenanigans to sit up and start drafting, so I had to procrastinate to today. I shall make this short and simple; the fair was a load of fun and it was very warm as far as San Francisco weather goes. Considering those two factors, the place is swarming of people. I must say, the crowd itself was more amazing than the fair, then again, that's what makes the fair what it is. There were loads of things to buy, ranging from clothing to accessories to food to gifts. And let me just say, there were loads of free food going round the place. In total, I received 3 drinks and 5 or so snacks. As my dear friend used to say: 'Hey, if it's free, it's for me!" I couldn't agree more on that account. Here's a few photos to get the gist of my day.

It's 11:30am, fair barely started, yet it's packed!

My buddy Carlos in line for a free drink.

Our FREE drink! *laughs*

I'd be surprised, but then again, we're in Haight.

Ganja cookies! Though brownies are better.

Hmm...

More FREE food! Pita chips and hummus.

Good music.

I cannot even tell you how disappointed my friends are I didn't buy it.

Holla!

They are amazing. Nothing further.

I was flashed too many times in under half an hour.
This man is nothing short of amazing.
Carlos bought a new hat!

Well folks, that's a summary of my day. to end it on an interesting note, on the way home, we saw a man in his sixties walking around Market in Castro, starkers. Wow. And I got my first ever sunburn on my left shoulder! I know, not to be excited bout, but it didn't even hurt a bit. Whew.

adrenaline-infused, sun-tanned, minor-oriented

Now that the excitement is over, it's time to keep working on my projects. As much as I needed my "holiday from my holiday", I'm glad in coming back to my controlled existence; being in the theme park today just reminds me how easy it is to lose control of certain things and forget yourself. Well, that's healthy from time to time, but I'll keep that on a minimal basis.

To finish the updates bout some activities: I've been sewing and planning all sorts of activities throughout the summer for me to enjoy, yet not exert too much planning on my part; I need a slight bit of spontaneity in my life (Kit laughs at this point). As much as keeping control is a big role in my life and how I live it, I need to break off that repetitive shell of my personality and branch out to more unusual habits (for me). In a way, it sort of pains me to leave a part of myself behind, yet I know it's for a good reason that will probably help with my acute case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I wonder what will happen when I break out of my ordered life? I've scheduled everything, down to the very day I reorganize my bookshelves and sort through my closet for items to discard. Well, I'll be thinking of this as an experiment, day by day, I'll be recording any changes in my personality or behavior when I prevent myself from doing things in my set norm.

On line for the first ride; Angela & I (left).

To business! I've just returned from the excursion to Great America. As I type this draft at my friend's house, I'm still thinking of events of the past few days. All the laying low from public eye yet keeping my eyes on the public, the reorganization of my present state, changes with the lives of those close to me, and all the changes bout myself that I'm still trying to comprehend. My addled thoughts is overwhelmed by the information that I seem to absorb on an hourly basis bout topics important to me and those that aren't. Yet, try as I might, I cannot shut them out and forget. They're there. Just in the recesses of my mind. It feels unjust, yet I might have a use for all this seemingly useless information. Anyroad...the theme park was the same as always since I started going there in middle school. The fun is gone for the most part, I still adore the water rides, otherwise, it's all a bit of a bore. I suppose having a good company works if you're tired of a place, so I did enjoy the day all in all. I just wished there was some swimming done in the day, but beggars can't be choosers. Now I finish this day off with the completion of the new sketches. My scanner's being unreliable, so I shall have to put the photo up another time.

anticipation is good for the soul

Good evening to you all! First things first, I was aware that on the beginning of my post two days ago, I said that I would be sleeping at 11PM, while my update was up at 11:43PM. Well, what can I say? The day was full of meaningless tasks, with the exception of thrifting, my Joann excursion, and a visit to the nearby Dollar Store. I just couldn't for the life of me, detach myself from reality's droll and come home to the nice solitude of my blog. I absolutely mean it, I'm not using sarcasm here (even though I adore sarcasm to the point of absurdity). Well, I'm still pretty beat over the activity the past couple of days, it's probably the lack of sleep that's causing it. I shall have to show all of you what my couple of days looked like, through photos of my room. which is the main focus of my days this summer anyways. I'm not sure if I said it before, but I intend to be a bit of a recluse for the next two months.

My bed - sketch materials, photos, scans, snacks.

Floor 1 - paint, sewing box (RIP machine), new materials from Joann, stripped PJs.

Floor 2 - oodles of clothing in need of re/deconstruction (zebra duvet!).

Floor 3 - another bag of clothing in need of remodeling (shirts).

Wall - part of my redecoration of my room! Love it.

Well, there's all that I can show without ruining the surprise that is my new room. I shall have to gather more photos of my improvement to show you lot. I feel proud of all the work I've put into my new surroundings. And the fact I've been very productive the past two weeks. Although, tomorrow, I'm having a bit of a holiday during my holiday. I haven't been to Great America in ages, so I should go once this summer, while there's still time. I know I'll be a bit tan when I come home. A small price to pay for all that fun in Boomerang Bay!

Until tomorrow, take care all. Remember to lather on that sunscreen!

beginning of an end (and spring cleaning: part trois)

I cannot believe my sleeping schedule is still in it's sad state. While I stare at the screen from web-surfing, I had to jot down some ideas for projects I want to start as soon as possible, and a list of things to buy, as well as reading a bit. I will resolve my dilemma by not sleeping a wink the rest of today, and going to bed at 11PM tonight. I won't risk naps, they're too dangerous! So for the day, I will run on coffee (eek, rarity for me), upbeat music, a 30 minute jog at 7AM, some serious Spring Cleaning (part trois), and more refurbishing of supplies I've used up or lost throughout the months.

To add to my to do list today, I need to diligently rearrange my room so I would have space to place another bed for my U.A.S. (unofficially adopted sister) Tiffany, who is coming in nine days time. As I've mentioned last week, she's coming in for the summer and living with me. She and I will be taking classes in the community college ten minutes away. She: art. I: fitness.

For the summer, I intend to keep my listed activities from my summer of sorts post and not deviate even with my new roomie. Hopefully, she'll join me in some of my escapades; the more the merrier as the saying goes. I'll definitely be having her towards the top of my list for "clothes", which I shall explain later. If you're one of the few who's informed of "clothes", don't worry, your spot is still the same. Besides, there's not too many people on. And I hope it won't be spread to everyone, I'm trying to keep a minimum amount of people for the time being. But again, more of that on my next post.

I'll be editing this post when I come back from my refurbishing outing. I want to include some of the things I acquired to begin the aforementioned end. (Ahhhh! I want to jog NOW. But I'm a bit afraid, my street has some nocturnal residents like myself, who come home smashed, or getting to it, in the wee hours of the morning. I'd rather not have a run-in with some of them. So for the next three hours, I'm going to start on my to do list for today with number two: Spring Cleaning part trois.)

~UPDATE (11:43PM)~

Earlier, I thought I had plenty of time to post the remainder of my day here, but I am sadly mistaken. I shall have to delay it and have the follow up as my next post instead, most likely on Wednesday. Sorry for the inconvenience to anyone! Not to worry, there are loads for you to read, so be thankful that you may seek your beds earlier tonight. Anticipation is good for the mind. It helps keep you lot on edge. Hahaha.

(postponed) spring cleaning: part deux

Here we are with the second installment of my Spring Cleaning. After much ado, I now have the time and energy to dedicate myself to minimizing my belongings, so it won't be much of a burden when I move next spring. My strategy is to be minimal, yet make sure to keep all the objects I'm going to need when I'm in a tight spot in the future. At first, this sounded like a very difficult task, but as I got a better look around on all the things I've amassed in the last couple of years, I know I'd have an easy time picking over what I can recycle for my future projects (I'll be using this word a load from now on, in honor of my re-found love of crafts, it's more that I now have time, rather than lost appeal), and what I need to chuck in the bin.

Of course, I have music setting my background while I bust out my mad-cleaning-skills; bringing out my inner Snow White. Though I will not exploit woodland creatures to lend me a paw. If I don't eat them, I certainly do not have them clean. Anyroad...a sample of my mix-tape includes: "Coffee Shop Soundtrack" - All Time Low, "Dance Inside" - All-American Rejects, "Dressed Up To Undress" - Breathe Carolina, "Five Minutes To Midnight" - Boys Like Girls, "Get Over It" - OK Go, "Secrets" - OneRepublic, "Summerboy" - Lady Gaga, "Thunderstruck" - AC/DC, and "Weightless" - All Time Low.

I dusted, laundered, and sorted a section of my closet. I now have dust-free shelves, a clean stack of clothes, and organized shoe racks. On my next cleaning, I'll be going over my shelves again for books and sorting out clothes to donate, and clothes to put in the "recycle/project bag", which is expanding. I'll need to run out to Joann's and grab a new measuring tape, seam ripper, pins, and floral print fabric. Why in Merlin's saggy left, did those items (except for the fabric) disappear? I'm just going with the previous reason: my friends filched from my supplies thinking I meant "take" instead of "borrow".

summer of sorts

As typical as it is to be so excited bout summer, I have some good reasons why I'm ecstatic of the coming months. (Anyone want to venture a guess on where the photo is of?) If I should be asked to list out the more momentous happenings, well, here they would be, in no particular order:

- Summer classes! Yes, this would classify my semi-newly acquired "nerd status", thank you very much. I'll be taking Yoga and Pilates (as always).

- Working part-time again. I used to be such a workaholic, well, what better time to get back into that old habit, it's been absolute ages in my opinion.

- I'll be back on the road. I cannot believe it. I'll be free of taking the train all over the place. As for buses and cabs, goodbye. The only thing holding me back is my lack of auto. Hopefully that'll rectify itself by the end of the month at least.

- More time to get my old hockey physique. I'm not saying I'm fat, else I'd receive a slap from certain individuals, but it can't be denied that I've let myself go, terribly. I miss the days when I can run 8 minute miles. Now, those are 11 minute miles. Shameful. My coach would be so disappointed in me.

- I can work in a new novel every 2 days again! With the literary classes on the down low, I can have my old jaunts in the park to read the days away, weather and work permitting of course.

- There's less reason for me to go partying and clubbing (sorry?) as I plan on keeping myself busy with the fitness classes, reading, work, blogging a few times a week, reaffirmation of my creative outputs, and spending some time to organize myself.

- Bonfires and a few relaxing gatherings with friends. Do I hear a picnic?

- My friend Tiffany is coming to live with me for the summer in a couple of weeks..

- Last but not least, August is full exciting things to do, and I for one cannot wait to get the summer done with so I can see my dearest friend in the world; Mark Kristian Suarez [Pajarillo], who is now Private Pajarillo! Of course other than our reunion, which I will be driving to Oklahoma for his graduation from Army boot camp to attend, I have my Napa excursion and "makeover" to look forward to that first week of August.

On a final note, though I've been told to consider love in summertime, I really cannot think of a good reason to even bother. Honestly, I don't think I'd be tempted to dive into that particular scenario anytime soon. For the moment, romantic pursuit holds no significance for me. Besides, I could never be complacent with a "safe" relationship; I believe that if the people you care for don't challenge you in some way, then you only feel obligated to care for them.

As one of my favorite authors, Ursula LeGuin, said: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” So, as much as I look forward to my destination, I shall endeavor to enjoy the time I have ahead of me, the said journey. I hope to come out a better person when I write the response to this post in two and a half months' time. Bonne chance à moi.

april to dos - film

[There's just so much to get done before Spring Break in the beginning of April, and I have my Midsomer Murders marathon to watch, so this list will have to be pushed back to May./

This list is for movies to either watch for the first time, or re-watch. Maybe for sentimental reasons or just because it's a plain good film. It's one of my spontaneous, yet low-key, hobby.

- Jane Eyre ('44)

- The Trojan Women ('71)
- Mary, Queen of Scots ('72)

- Young Catherine ('91)

- First Knight ('95)

- Dragonheart ('96)

- St. Ives/All For Love ('98)

- The End of the Affair ('99)

- The White Countess ('05)

With the exception of the last two, all of these movies have been around for over a decade. If you haven't noticed already, I like vintage /old/antique-related subjects and items. I'll have a reply post to this after I've watched all those listed. Hopefully, in chronological order as I have above.

definition of love

After ages of ignoring my formspring account, it's pretty entertaining, I've decided to stop beating bout the bush and answer the onslaught of anonymous and identified questions. One of the most interesting from the batch I decided to answer for the day, (who knew my formspring accumulated over 30 questions?) is asking for my definition of love. So here it is:

Q: How would YOU define Love? :)

A: To me, absolutely anything could be love. Even "hate" could be explained or alludes to "love". But if I were to go into detail...

Love is an absolutely irrational way of thinking, where a person will outright disregard their own well-being, safety, and health for the sake of someone else; the person they claim to love with their whole being. Those with this condition will also spend inordinate amounts of money and time for the subject of their "affection". Most, if not all, will put up a defense saying that they feel complete happiness and satisfaction to be in such a state of mind.

It's ironic really; a self-serving, media-influenced, and careless way to carry out life. It could even be said that love is a way to keep the circle of life continuous; via procreating. Some would define it as the "best feeling in the world", where you only experience the positive emotions and a connection to another being who is your "soulmate."

Hope this answers your question.

oh vanity, how i've not missed you!

My friend LT and I decided to have a walkabout the city for the day, we had nothing better to do around town. It was a fun day of shopping and exploring parts of Chinatown I haven't been to before (and of course my usual hangouts at Canton & the Bakery). There was this quaint little shop just past St. Mary's, towards the right, it's really peaceful and there's so much little trinkets to browse. From figurines, to charms, to jewelry, there's just a load for you to ponder over spending on. I don't recall the name of the shop, but when I'm at the city again next week, I'll make sure to find out. First stop of the mini-trip is to the Bakery. It's always jam-packed with people, the place itself isn't big to say the least, but the line is mad. There's usually bout 15 people in line, when it's slow, and pushing 30 when it's busy. Like I said, jam-packed. They have the best dan ta's in the city, shoot, within a 25 mile radius! Impressive moon cakes and pastries, too. But it's always the dan ta's that make a load of people come back to this joint. By the bye, dan ta's are egg tarts. If you've never tried these little gems, I suggest you find a good place to buy some. Or if you're in the San Francisco area, head on over to Chinatown. It's a 10-15 minute walk from the main entrance. It's well worth the hike for them! As for the other places we explored, not much going on, a load of tourists though. I only bought a flashlight/lighter from the Canton Bazaar.

So after a total of 2 hours, we left Chinatown and headed for Castro for lunch. We were rushing so we can make it before 2pm to Mission and the row of thrift stores, a pre-summer retail therapy for us; refer to previous post. I picked lunch, and chose my favorite sandwich place: Ike's! Their subs are seriously out of this world. I'm not even exaggerating here. They are delicious and I savor every bite. The best part is, they have a menu that works for everyone; carnivores, vegetarians, pescatarians (me!), and vegans. Also, their dirty sauce, which is not dirty contrary to the name, is just plain good. They also have a location in Redwood Shores, so if you're around, drop in! If in the city, it doesn't matter if you're in North Beach, Visitacion, Richmond, Sunset, etc. You must go. You don't know what you're missing, and that's a shame.

On to the thrifting! We spend bout 5 hours total thrifting, half in the Mission and Castro, the other in Haight. We are thankful to announce that we only spent half of out budget for the day. Which is around $75 each, including food. We both got a pair of shoes each, some shirts, leggings, skirts, pants. There's nothing else to say, other than we're very happy with the day's success. We were home by 9pm and now we're having our mystery marathon for the rest of the night, well into the early hours of the morning. Great day! Repeats of it in the summer. Only instead of mostly thrifting, we're hitting up the beach and not going home. Beach bums, take 2.

spring cleaning: part un

It's that time of year again, the weather is having sudden bursts of warmth and sun, it's a sign of Spring Cleaning! There are only two things in my room that's accumulated in a craze, and those would be my book collection ("The Library" as my friends refer to it) and clothing. Every summer, I tend to go on a reckless shopping spree. What can I say? Retail therapy is amazing, even though I have no reason to need the therapeutic part. It's just this bad habit, whenever I pass by a thrift store, I must pop in for a second. That second lasts for at least half an hour, and I rarely leave empty handed. If I don't go in, the thought will just keep nagging at me for the rest of the day, until in the end, I surrender and go back anyway.

Back to my anecdote. By the end of summer, after galavanting through thrift stores, garage/yard sales, discount stores, and the occasional mall, I have amassed a small Everest of items that takes over half of my floor space. I know I have to stop, I'm working on that. Bit by bit, I'm weaning off. This summer, my goal is to only spend, at the absolute most, $200. Including back to school clothing. As for food, school fees, gas, car insurance, bills; basic necessities, that's a completely different matter. But I refuse to spend more than $50 a month when eating out, not including groceries. As for school materials, there's WalMart and Office Depot and their sales. I'm definitely signing up early to rent texts from the school bookstore for the Fall. From now on, I'm not treating friends, until I have a steady income coming in, and all my financial needs are met.

Here's a photo of my pile of novels I got rid of, and donating. Count: 50. Left: around 300. I have a very long way to go from here. Good luck to me!

the killings at badger's drift

I just finished the pilot for the Midsomer Murders, and I must say, it's got me positively hooked! I couldn't wait to return it so I could check out the whole of the first series. I didn't have time to watch it until after I came home, which was around 2 hours ago. I rushed so I could have this up as today's post. I'm really swamped with things to do for classes and I'll be too busy for the rest of the month because Spring Break is the first full week of April and midterms in 2 weeks. That said, I'll be having off days when I don't have a post, otherwise, I'll do what I did last month and try to just put a poem up, either my own or a favorite with my thoughts alongside it. Peace out!

(I found this montage of the pilot on Google. Pretty much says it all without giving anything away. Don't worry, no spoilers here.)

boredom

When boredom consumes me, I tend to change my appearance or living space drastically. Just because subtlety isn't going to cut it for me. Sometimes, I just can't focus on reading one of the many historical fictions I currently own. Maybe it's because I need to move around every now and then, if I had a book plastered on my immediate vision, I'd probably make a mess of my whole apartment. Which reminds me, I need to stop buying books. I should just make one day in the week for me to spend the whole day in Barnes & Noble to read. Sure, the option to buy from thrift stores or garage sales are there, even online scans of novels, but I just like having the material rather than through technology. Either way, I should just cut down on constantly shopping for books. Used or new. I'm in college, I need to conserve my money for tuition, textbooks, and materials. Unfortunately for me, those textbooks are bout as interesting as watching paint dry.

So what I've caught myself doing lately is slowly changing my physical appearance. Yes, slowly, though in not-too-subtle-ways. So far, I've gotten a haircut (3 inches); shorter fringes, more layers, and a bit of light ash blonde under at the back as well as a bit of under my fringes. Oh, I have natural black hair. Not dark, dark brown or brownish black or blue black. Just black. Really, really, really black. Not even any undertones. In the past few years, I've been dyeing and bleaching my hair though, so it's been through a lot. Now, it's back to normal, color-wise. I'm bored of it now, so back to multi-colored hair! It's been a few months since I've had colors on my hair, the last was natural red and honey blonde. I've some purple hair dye just in the wait, incase I feel spontaneous again, I'll add it into my current state.

I won't be going over the topic of my hair until there's yet another change to it. Though other changes are happening as I've mentioned. Including are: clearing out most of my 1000-something books, 2 medium-sized closets of clothing, and loads of papers from goodness knows where. Not to forget my room itself, I'm...redecorating. Taking down the wall posters, though keeping the door ones. I've been searching like crazy for black and white photos at thrift stores all over, but I've only had luck finding one fitting the look I'm going for. More shops to visit!

6 words

Music: A gate. An excuse not to listen to the world, yet the world is music in itself. Nothing but absolute quiet could compare. Though, in my opinion, the Scottish highlands provide the best kind of music this world could provide to us lucky saps who deign to exist here.

Dreams: What our subconscious minds want as reality, yet it seemingly is unreachable. Thought what's lurking in the back of our minds could escape into our dreams. For dreams are a way for us to live that fantasy, even for just the night our minds could be free to explore.

Books: Escape to another world completely your own. Of course you share it with other readers, but that's the beauty of your "own world"; it exists for you and if you wish, others you would like to make knowledgeable of it's existence.

Hidden: Everything. Every little, insignificant, important, obvious, unscrupulous thing should be hidden.

Silence: Solitude is always the way to go. Never speak if the words aren't in tune to your thoughts. It would be pointless and your meaning isn't as convincing as it would come across were it be true.

Emotion: Heartless. Though is that befitting anyone of this world? We all feel emotion. No matter what science tells us or directs our thoughts to believe, we all feel some kind of emotion. Whether it be on a high level, or very subtle one.