wrecked feelings©

Just say what you mean

I know words mean nothing.

So teach me to understand

Make me feel what you can't feel

Show me what I can't comprehend

But don't tell me to go,

Please dont' push me away

Because if I don't see you at all

I'll never get you out of my mind

When you're not in front of me,

I see you in my thoughts,

Always hear you in my head

If you don't love me,

Hate me

Make it easier to get over you

Help me forget my feelings

So I can love myself again

I'm tired of feeling

Let me be numb from it all

Be disconnected from the hurt

Lose everything that reminds of you

Happy, sad, all of it gone

It's useless to recall any memories,

What'd be the point? Why must I?

To get a moment of joy?

I'd rather be consistently downcast

Than fleetingly feel happiness

Not really experience it, just pass it by

I wouldn't want that for myself

Life would be unbearable

A living nightmare, consuming pain

I refuse to got through hell again

C.M. de Leon

(2008)

hasf 2010

HASF: Haight-Ashbury Street Fair 2010.

I'd have put this up yesterday, but silly old me was too exhausted from the day's shenanigans to sit up and start drafting, so I had to procrastinate to today. I shall make this short and simple; the fair was a load of fun and it was very warm as far as San Francisco weather goes. Considering those two factors, the place is swarming of people. I must say, the crowd itself was more amazing than the fair, then again, that's what makes the fair what it is. There were loads of things to buy, ranging from clothing to accessories to food to gifts. And let me just say, there were loads of free food going round the place. In total, I received 3 drinks and 5 or so snacks. As my dear friend used to say: 'Hey, if it's free, it's for me!" I couldn't agree more on that account. Here's a few photos to get the gist of my day.

It's 11:30am, fair barely started, yet it's packed!

My buddy Carlos in line for a free drink.

Our FREE drink! *laughs*

I'd be surprised, but then again, we're in Haight.

Ganja cookies! Though brownies are better.

Hmm...

More FREE food! Pita chips and hummus.

Good music.

I cannot even tell you how disappointed my friends are I didn't buy it.

Holla!

They are amazing. Nothing further.

I was flashed too many times in under half an hour.
This man is nothing short of amazing.
Carlos bought a new hat!

Well folks, that's a summary of my day. to end it on an interesting note, on the way home, we saw a man in his sixties walking around Market in Castro, starkers. Wow. And I got my first ever sunburn on my left shoulder! I know, not to be excited bout, but it didn't even hurt a bit. Whew.

adrenaline-infused, sun-tanned, minor-oriented

Now that the excitement is over, it's time to keep working on my projects. As much as I needed my "holiday from my holiday", I'm glad in coming back to my controlled existence; being in the theme park today just reminds me how easy it is to lose control of certain things and forget yourself. Well, that's healthy from time to time, but I'll keep that on a minimal basis.

To finish the updates bout some activities: I've been sewing and planning all sorts of activities throughout the summer for me to enjoy, yet not exert too much planning on my part; I need a slight bit of spontaneity in my life (Kit laughs at this point). As much as keeping control is a big role in my life and how I live it, I need to break off that repetitive shell of my personality and branch out to more unusual habits (for me). In a way, it sort of pains me to leave a part of myself behind, yet I know it's for a good reason that will probably help with my acute case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I wonder what will happen when I break out of my ordered life? I've scheduled everything, down to the very day I reorganize my bookshelves and sort through my closet for items to discard. Well, I'll be thinking of this as an experiment, day by day, I'll be recording any changes in my personality or behavior when I prevent myself from doing things in my set norm.

On line for the first ride; Angela & I (left).

To business! I've just returned from the excursion to Great America. As I type this draft at my friend's house, I'm still thinking of events of the past few days. All the laying low from public eye yet keeping my eyes on the public, the reorganization of my present state, changes with the lives of those close to me, and all the changes bout myself that I'm still trying to comprehend. My addled thoughts is overwhelmed by the information that I seem to absorb on an hourly basis bout topics important to me and those that aren't. Yet, try as I might, I cannot shut them out and forget. They're there. Just in the recesses of my mind. It feels unjust, yet I might have a use for all this seemingly useless information. Anyroad...the theme park was the same as always since I started going there in middle school. The fun is gone for the most part, I still adore the water rides, otherwise, it's all a bit of a bore. I suppose having a good company works if you're tired of a place, so I did enjoy the day all in all. I just wished there was some swimming done in the day, but beggars can't be choosers. Now I finish this day off with the completion of the new sketches. My scanner's being unreliable, so I shall have to put the photo up another time.

anticipation is good for the soul

Good evening to you all! First things first, I was aware that on the beginning of my post two days ago, I said that I would be sleeping at 11PM, while my update was up at 11:43PM. Well, what can I say? The day was full of meaningless tasks, with the exception of thrifting, my Joann excursion, and a visit to the nearby Dollar Store. I just couldn't for the life of me, detach myself from reality's droll and come home to the nice solitude of my blog. I absolutely mean it, I'm not using sarcasm here (even though I adore sarcasm to the point of absurdity). Well, I'm still pretty beat over the activity the past couple of days, it's probably the lack of sleep that's causing it. I shall have to show all of you what my couple of days looked like, through photos of my room. which is the main focus of my days this summer anyways. I'm not sure if I said it before, but I intend to be a bit of a recluse for the next two months.

My bed - sketch materials, photos, scans, snacks.

Floor 1 - paint, sewing box (RIP machine), new materials from Joann, stripped PJs.

Floor 2 - oodles of clothing in need of re/deconstruction (zebra duvet!).

Floor 3 - another bag of clothing in need of remodeling (shirts).

Wall - part of my redecoration of my room! Love it.

Well, there's all that I can show without ruining the surprise that is my new room. I shall have to gather more photos of my improvement to show you lot. I feel proud of all the work I've put into my new surroundings. And the fact I've been very productive the past two weeks. Although, tomorrow, I'm having a bit of a holiday during my holiday. I haven't been to Great America in ages, so I should go once this summer, while there's still time. I know I'll be a bit tan when I come home. A small price to pay for all that fun in Boomerang Bay!

Until tomorrow, take care all. Remember to lather on that sunscreen!

beginning of an end (and spring cleaning: part trois)

I cannot believe my sleeping schedule is still in it's sad state. While I stare at the screen from web-surfing, I had to jot down some ideas for projects I want to start as soon as possible, and a list of things to buy, as well as reading a bit. I will resolve my dilemma by not sleeping a wink the rest of today, and going to bed at 11PM tonight. I won't risk naps, they're too dangerous! So for the day, I will run on coffee (eek, rarity for me), upbeat music, a 30 minute jog at 7AM, some serious Spring Cleaning (part trois), and more refurbishing of supplies I've used up or lost throughout the months.

To add to my to do list today, I need to diligently rearrange my room so I would have space to place another bed for my U.A.S. (unofficially adopted sister) Tiffany, who is coming in nine days time. As I've mentioned last week, she's coming in for the summer and living with me. She and I will be taking classes in the community college ten minutes away. She: art. I: fitness.

For the summer, I intend to keep my listed activities from my summer of sorts post and not deviate even with my new roomie. Hopefully, she'll join me in some of my escapades; the more the merrier as the saying goes. I'll definitely be having her towards the top of my list for "clothes", which I shall explain later. If you're one of the few who's informed of "clothes", don't worry, your spot is still the same. Besides, there's not too many people on. And I hope it won't be spread to everyone, I'm trying to keep a minimum amount of people for the time being. But again, more of that on my next post.

I'll be editing this post when I come back from my refurbishing outing. I want to include some of the things I acquired to begin the aforementioned end. (Ahhhh! I want to jog NOW. But I'm a bit afraid, my street has some nocturnal residents like myself, who come home smashed, or getting to it, in the wee hours of the morning. I'd rather not have a run-in with some of them. So for the next three hours, I'm going to start on my to do list for today with number two: Spring Cleaning part trois.)

~UPDATE (11:43PM)~

Earlier, I thought I had plenty of time to post the remainder of my day here, but I am sadly mistaken. I shall have to delay it and have the follow up as my next post instead, most likely on Wednesday. Sorry for the inconvenience to anyone! Not to worry, there are loads for you to read, so be thankful that you may seek your beds earlier tonight. Anticipation is good for the mind. It helps keep you lot on edge. Hahaha.

(postponed) spring cleaning: part deux

Here we are with the second installment of my Spring Cleaning. After much ado, I now have the time and energy to dedicate myself to minimizing my belongings, so it won't be much of a burden when I move next spring. My strategy is to be minimal, yet make sure to keep all the objects I'm going to need when I'm in a tight spot in the future. At first, this sounded like a very difficult task, but as I got a better look around on all the things I've amassed in the last couple of years, I know I'd have an easy time picking over what I can recycle for my future projects (I'll be using this word a load from now on, in honor of my re-found love of crafts, it's more that I now have time, rather than lost appeal), and what I need to chuck in the bin.

Of course, I have music setting my background while I bust out my mad-cleaning-skills; bringing out my inner Snow White. Though I will not exploit woodland creatures to lend me a paw. If I don't eat them, I certainly do not have them clean. Anyroad...a sample of my mix-tape includes: "Coffee Shop Soundtrack" - All Time Low, "Dance Inside" - All-American Rejects, "Dressed Up To Undress" - Breathe Carolina, "Five Minutes To Midnight" - Boys Like Girls, "Get Over It" - OK Go, "Secrets" - OneRepublic, "Summerboy" - Lady Gaga, "Thunderstruck" - AC/DC, and "Weightless" - All Time Low.

I dusted, laundered, and sorted a section of my closet. I now have dust-free shelves, a clean stack of clothes, and organized shoe racks. On my next cleaning, I'll be going over my shelves again for books and sorting out clothes to donate, and clothes to put in the "recycle/project bag", which is expanding. I'll need to run out to Joann's and grab a new measuring tape, seam ripper, pins, and floral print fabric. Why in Merlin's saggy left, did those items (except for the fabric) disappear? I'm just going with the previous reason: my friends filched from my supplies thinking I meant "take" instead of "borrow".

summer of sorts

As typical as it is to be so excited bout summer, I have some good reasons why I'm ecstatic of the coming months. (Anyone want to venture a guess on where the photo is of?) If I should be asked to list out the more momentous happenings, well, here they would be, in no particular order:

- Summer classes! Yes, this would classify my semi-newly acquired "nerd status", thank you very much. I'll be taking Yoga and Pilates (as always).

- Working part-time again. I used to be such a workaholic, well, what better time to get back into that old habit, it's been absolute ages in my opinion.

- I'll be back on the road. I cannot believe it. I'll be free of taking the train all over the place. As for buses and cabs, goodbye. The only thing holding me back is my lack of auto. Hopefully that'll rectify itself by the end of the month at least.

- More time to get my old hockey physique. I'm not saying I'm fat, else I'd receive a slap from certain individuals, but it can't be denied that I've let myself go, terribly. I miss the days when I can run 8 minute miles. Now, those are 11 minute miles. Shameful. My coach would be so disappointed in me.

- I can work in a new novel every 2 days again! With the literary classes on the down low, I can have my old jaunts in the park to read the days away, weather and work permitting of course.

- There's less reason for me to go partying and clubbing (sorry?) as I plan on keeping myself busy with the fitness classes, reading, work, blogging a few times a week, reaffirmation of my creative outputs, and spending some time to organize myself.

- Bonfires and a few relaxing gatherings with friends. Do I hear a picnic?

- My friend Tiffany is coming to live with me for the summer in a couple of weeks..

- Last but not least, August is full exciting things to do, and I for one cannot wait to get the summer done with so I can see my dearest friend in the world; Mark Kristian Suarez [Pajarillo], who is now Private Pajarillo! Of course other than our reunion, which I will be driving to Oklahoma for his graduation from Army boot camp to attend, I have my Napa excursion and "makeover" to look forward to that first week of August.

On a final note, though I've been told to consider love in summertime, I really cannot think of a good reason to even bother. Honestly, I don't think I'd be tempted to dive into that particular scenario anytime soon. For the moment, romantic pursuit holds no significance for me. Besides, I could never be complacent with a "safe" relationship; I believe that if the people you care for don't challenge you in some way, then you only feel obligated to care for them.

As one of my favorite authors, Ursula LeGuin, said: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” So, as much as I look forward to my destination, I shall endeavor to enjoy the time I have ahead of me, the said journey. I hope to come out a better person when I write the response to this post in two and a half months' time. Bonne chance à moi.