wrecked feelings©

Just say what you mean

I know words mean nothing.

So teach me to understand

Make me feel what you can't feel

Show me what I can't comprehend

But don't tell me to go,

Please dont' push me away

Because if I don't see you at all

I'll never get you out of my mind

When you're not in front of me,

I see you in my thoughts,

Always hear you in my head

If you don't love me,

Hate me

Make it easier to get over you

Help me forget my feelings

So I can love myself again

I'm tired of feeling

Let me be numb from it all

Be disconnected from the hurt

Lose everything that reminds of you

Happy, sad, all of it gone

It's useless to recall any memories,

What'd be the point? Why must I?

To get a moment of joy?

I'd rather be consistently downcast

Than fleetingly feel happiness

Not really experience it, just pass it by

I wouldn't want that for myself

Life would be unbearable

A living nightmare, consuming pain

I refuse to got through hell again

C.M. de Leon

(2008)

hasf 2010

HASF: Haight-Ashbury Street Fair 2010.

I'd have put this up yesterday, but silly old me was too exhausted from the day's shenanigans to sit up and start drafting, so I had to procrastinate to today. I shall make this short and simple; the fair was a load of fun and it was very warm as far as San Francisco weather goes. Considering those two factors, the place is swarming of people. I must say, the crowd itself was more amazing than the fair, then again, that's what makes the fair what it is. There were loads of things to buy, ranging from clothing to accessories to food to gifts. And let me just say, there were loads of free food going round the place. In total, I received 3 drinks and 5 or so snacks. As my dear friend used to say: 'Hey, if it's free, it's for me!" I couldn't agree more on that account. Here's a few photos to get the gist of my day.

It's 11:30am, fair barely started, yet it's packed!

My buddy Carlos in line for a free drink.

Our FREE drink! *laughs*

I'd be surprised, but then again, we're in Haight.

Ganja cookies! Though brownies are better.

Hmm...

More FREE food! Pita chips and hummus.

Good music.

I cannot even tell you how disappointed my friends are I didn't buy it.

Holla!

They are amazing. Nothing further.

I was flashed too many times in under half an hour.
This man is nothing short of amazing.
Carlos bought a new hat!

Well folks, that's a summary of my day. to end it on an interesting note, on the way home, we saw a man in his sixties walking around Market in Castro, starkers. Wow. And I got my first ever sunburn on my left shoulder! I know, not to be excited bout, but it didn't even hurt a bit. Whew.

summer of sorts

As typical as it is to be so excited bout summer, I have some good reasons why I'm ecstatic of the coming months. (Anyone want to venture a guess on where the photo is of?) If I should be asked to list out the more momentous happenings, well, here they would be, in no particular order:

- Summer classes! Yes, this would classify my semi-newly acquired "nerd status", thank you very much. I'll be taking Yoga and Pilates (as always).

- Working part-time again. I used to be such a workaholic, well, what better time to get back into that old habit, it's been absolute ages in my opinion.

- I'll be back on the road. I cannot believe it. I'll be free of taking the train all over the place. As for buses and cabs, goodbye. The only thing holding me back is my lack of auto. Hopefully that'll rectify itself by the end of the month at least.

- More time to get my old hockey physique. I'm not saying I'm fat, else I'd receive a slap from certain individuals, but it can't be denied that I've let myself go, terribly. I miss the days when I can run 8 minute miles. Now, those are 11 minute miles. Shameful. My coach would be so disappointed in me.

- I can work in a new novel every 2 days again! With the literary classes on the down low, I can have my old jaunts in the park to read the days away, weather and work permitting of course.

- There's less reason for me to go partying and clubbing (sorry?) as I plan on keeping myself busy with the fitness classes, reading, work, blogging a few times a week, reaffirmation of my creative outputs, and spending some time to organize myself.

- Bonfires and a few relaxing gatherings with friends. Do I hear a picnic?

- My friend Tiffany is coming to live with me for the summer in a couple of weeks..

- Last but not least, August is full exciting things to do, and I for one cannot wait to get the summer done with so I can see my dearest friend in the world; Mark Kristian Suarez [Pajarillo], who is now Private Pajarillo! Of course other than our reunion, which I will be driving to Oklahoma for his graduation from Army boot camp to attend, I have my Napa excursion and "makeover" to look forward to that first week of August.

On a final note, though I've been told to consider love in summertime, I really cannot think of a good reason to even bother. Honestly, I don't think I'd be tempted to dive into that particular scenario anytime soon. For the moment, romantic pursuit holds no significance for me. Besides, I could never be complacent with a "safe" relationship; I believe that if the people you care for don't challenge you in some way, then you only feel obligated to care for them.

As one of my favorite authors, Ursula LeGuin, said: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” So, as much as I look forward to my destination, I shall endeavor to enjoy the time I have ahead of me, the said journey. I hope to come out a better person when I write the response to this post in two and a half months' time. Bonne chance à moi.

don't make it rain©

I'm drowning in my sorrows

Bury me in my secrets

I'm being left in my pain

And my dreams are being taken away

I never said it would be easy

It's tough and it gets tougher

Falling down where you belong

Was never suppose to end like this

I wish I could be you

Happy and only getting happier

Never felt a rush of pain

Always walking in the rain

Though your absence makes me sad

I've always been jealous of what you've had

Guess it wasn't meant to be

It was never you, and always me

C. M. de Leon

(2002)