definition of hate

Last April, I decided to post my definition of the word "love" and what the word means to me. I was going to have one for my definition of "hate", but formspring spazzed and completely failed on me. But now, I got all the questions back, so I can post my exact words for it! Joy!

Q: How would YOU define Hate? :(

A: Disclaimer: the only times I would use the word "hate" for example, is: "Ugh, I hate math homework." or "I hate bug bites." And I don't even really detest those, I just think they're a nuisance, but is a part of life and must be dealt with, even when I'm not inclined to. I wouldn't say I hate someone, even one who's wronged me, and mean it. Sure, it's possible I'd say I hate a person, but I really mean I just dislike them. To feel hate is to be hate, in my opinion, and I don't want to be hate.

Hatred is total loathing, animosity, or detestation for/of a person or thing, usually with the need to dispatch, negate, avoid, or depose the subject. It can be derived from fear or a way of managing with something from another time, either past or present. Those conflicted and with complicated thoughts that incorporate hate, could be described as a love-hate relationship. Hate of a person or thing could be brought on by a capacious period of vexation from the hating subject. But most of all, hate is when you are exhausted and resigned from carrying on with one that gives you great pain and will not let you be at peace.

Hope this is enough. If you need clarification, well, ask away.

14,000

On my goal to clean out my white shelf, I found my book called "14,000 things to be happy about." Let me just say, I did have any intention of buying it, and yet here I am 3 years later, perusing the pages because my boyfriend at the time thought I should have something to cheer me up when I'm in my "destructive sadness". Which is to say, when it's that time of the month for us ladies. Anyroad...for the rest of the summer, I will post 5 things I picked out of the book that made my day. Here is today's list.

The Beach Boys (488)

Strawberry Sandwiches (145)

Long Socks (65)

City Squares (209)

Tea Kettles (2)

wrecked feelings©

Just say what you mean

I know words mean nothing.

So teach me to understand

Make me feel what you can't feel

Show me what I can't comprehend

But don't tell me to go,

Please dont' push me away

Because if I don't see you at all

I'll never get you out of my mind

When you're not in front of me,

I see you in my thoughts,

Always hear you in my head

If you don't love me,

Hate me

Make it easier to get over you

Help me forget my feelings

So I can love myself again

I'm tired of feeling

Let me be numb from it all

Be disconnected from the hurt

Lose everything that reminds of you

Happy, sad, all of it gone

It's useless to recall any memories,

What'd be the point? Why must I?

To get a moment of joy?

I'd rather be consistently downcast

Than fleetingly feel happiness

Not really experience it, just pass it by

I wouldn't want that for myself

Life would be unbearable

A living nightmare, consuming pain

I refuse to got through hell again

C.M. de Leon

(2008)

hasf 2010

HASF: Haight-Ashbury Street Fair 2010.

I'd have put this up yesterday, but silly old me was too exhausted from the day's shenanigans to sit up and start drafting, so I had to procrastinate to today. I shall make this short and simple; the fair was a load of fun and it was very warm as far as San Francisco weather goes. Considering those two factors, the place is swarming of people. I must say, the crowd itself was more amazing than the fair, then again, that's what makes the fair what it is. There were loads of things to buy, ranging from clothing to accessories to food to gifts. And let me just say, there were loads of free food going round the place. In total, I received 3 drinks and 5 or so snacks. As my dear friend used to say: 'Hey, if it's free, it's for me!" I couldn't agree more on that account. Here's a few photos to get the gist of my day.

It's 11:30am, fair barely started, yet it's packed!

My buddy Carlos in line for a free drink.

Our FREE drink! *laughs*

I'd be surprised, but then again, we're in Haight.

Ganja cookies! Though brownies are better.

Hmm...

More FREE food! Pita chips and hummus.

Good music.

I cannot even tell you how disappointed my friends are I didn't buy it.

Holla!

They are amazing. Nothing further.

I was flashed too many times in under half an hour.
This man is nothing short of amazing.
Carlos bought a new hat!

Well folks, that's a summary of my day. to end it on an interesting note, on the way home, we saw a man in his sixties walking around Market in Castro, starkers. Wow. And I got my first ever sunburn on my left shoulder! I know, not to be excited bout, but it didn't even hurt a bit. Whew.

adrenaline-infused, sun-tanned, minor-oriented

Now that the excitement is over, it's time to keep working on my projects. As much as I needed my "holiday from my holiday", I'm glad in coming back to my controlled existence; being in the theme park today just reminds me how easy it is to lose control of certain things and forget yourself. Well, that's healthy from time to time, but I'll keep that on a minimal basis.

To finish the updates bout some activities: I've been sewing and planning all sorts of activities throughout the summer for me to enjoy, yet not exert too much planning on my part; I need a slight bit of spontaneity in my life (Kit laughs at this point). As much as keeping control is a big role in my life and how I live it, I need to break off that repetitive shell of my personality and branch out to more unusual habits (for me). In a way, it sort of pains me to leave a part of myself behind, yet I know it's for a good reason that will probably help with my acute case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I wonder what will happen when I break out of my ordered life? I've scheduled everything, down to the very day I reorganize my bookshelves and sort through my closet for items to discard. Well, I'll be thinking of this as an experiment, day by day, I'll be recording any changes in my personality or behavior when I prevent myself from doing things in my set norm.

On line for the first ride; Angela & I (left).

To business! I've just returned from the excursion to Great America. As I type this draft at my friend's house, I'm still thinking of events of the past few days. All the laying low from public eye yet keeping my eyes on the public, the reorganization of my present state, changes with the lives of those close to me, and all the changes bout myself that I'm still trying to comprehend. My addled thoughts is overwhelmed by the information that I seem to absorb on an hourly basis bout topics important to me and those that aren't. Yet, try as I might, I cannot shut them out and forget. They're there. Just in the recesses of my mind. It feels unjust, yet I might have a use for all this seemingly useless information. Anyroad...the theme park was the same as always since I started going there in middle school. The fun is gone for the most part, I still adore the water rides, otherwise, it's all a bit of a bore. I suppose having a good company works if you're tired of a place, so I did enjoy the day all in all. I just wished there was some swimming done in the day, but beggars can't be choosers. Now I finish this day off with the completion of the new sketches. My scanner's being unreliable, so I shall have to put the photo up another time.

anticipation is good for the soul

Good evening to you all! First things first, I was aware that on the beginning of my post two days ago, I said that I would be sleeping at 11PM, while my update was up at 11:43PM. Well, what can I say? The day was full of meaningless tasks, with the exception of thrifting, my Joann excursion, and a visit to the nearby Dollar Store. I just couldn't for the life of me, detach myself from reality's droll and come home to the nice solitude of my blog. I absolutely mean it, I'm not using sarcasm here (even though I adore sarcasm to the point of absurdity). Well, I'm still pretty beat over the activity the past couple of days, it's probably the lack of sleep that's causing it. I shall have to show all of you what my couple of days looked like, through photos of my room. which is the main focus of my days this summer anyways. I'm not sure if I said it before, but I intend to be a bit of a recluse for the next two months.

My bed - sketch materials, photos, scans, snacks.

Floor 1 - paint, sewing box (RIP machine), new materials from Joann, stripped PJs.

Floor 2 - oodles of clothing in need of re/deconstruction (zebra duvet!).

Floor 3 - another bag of clothing in need of remodeling (shirts).

Wall - part of my redecoration of my room! Love it.

Well, there's all that I can show without ruining the surprise that is my new room. I shall have to gather more photos of my improvement to show you lot. I feel proud of all the work I've put into my new surroundings. And the fact I've been very productive the past two weeks. Although, tomorrow, I'm having a bit of a holiday during my holiday. I haven't been to Great America in ages, so I should go once this summer, while there's still time. I know I'll be a bit tan when I come home. A small price to pay for all that fun in Boomerang Bay!

Until tomorrow, take care all. Remember to lather on that sunscreen!

definition of love

After ages of ignoring my formspring account, it's pretty entertaining, I've decided to stop beating bout the bush and answer the onslaught of anonymous and identified questions. One of the most interesting from the batch I decided to answer for the day, (who knew my formspring accumulated over 30 questions?) is asking for my definition of love. So here it is:

Q: How would YOU define Love? :)

A: To me, absolutely anything could be love. Even "hate" could be explained or alludes to "love". But if I were to go into detail...

Love is an absolutely irrational way of thinking, where a person will outright disregard their own well-being, safety, and health for the sake of someone else; the person they claim to love with their whole being. Those with this condition will also spend inordinate amounts of money and time for the subject of their "affection". Most, if not all, will put up a defense saying that they feel complete happiness and satisfaction to be in such a state of mind.

It's ironic really; a self-serving, media-influenced, and careless way to carry out life. It could even be said that love is a way to keep the circle of life continuous; via procreating. Some would define it as the "best feeling in the world", where you only experience the positive emotions and a connection to another being who is your "soulmate."

Hope this answers your question.

6 words

Music: A gate. An excuse not to listen to the world, yet the world is music in itself. Nothing but absolute quiet could compare. Though, in my opinion, the Scottish highlands provide the best kind of music this world could provide to us lucky saps who deign to exist here.

Dreams: What our subconscious minds want as reality, yet it seemingly is unreachable. Thought what's lurking in the back of our minds could escape into our dreams. For dreams are a way for us to live that fantasy, even for just the night our minds could be free to explore.

Books: Escape to another world completely your own. Of course you share it with other readers, but that's the beauty of your "own world"; it exists for you and if you wish, others you would like to make knowledgeable of it's existence.

Hidden: Everything. Every little, insignificant, important, obvious, unscrupulous thing should be hidden.

Silence: Solitude is always the way to go. Never speak if the words aren't in tune to your thoughts. It would be pointless and your meaning isn't as convincing as it would come across were it be true.

Emotion: Heartless. Though is that befitting anyone of this world? We all feel emotion. No matter what science tells us or directs our thoughts to believe, we all feel some kind of emotion. Whether it be on a high level, or very subtle one.

unchanging, undying©

I'll take back what I've said

A chance is all I need now

Return to days we both felt alive

Reach out with me, remember who we are

We can break the walls that cause this pain

Mopping up this mess with picture perfect smiles,

Wouldn't change how I feel

Because I know that inside, you're still the same

Don't make all of my decisions for me

I admit that what I'd chosen was wrong

But I'd do it all again for you

Whenever I see your tears,

I feel my heart starts to bleed

Time I spent thinking of you,

Leaves me hoping for so much more

All you have to do is try

For our lives are too short to be uncertain

Please all I'm asking for is love

To cure me of my sickness

This irrevocable longing for you

Yet you never seem to have enough

Why can't you just love me back?

Just one more time

C. M. de Leon

(2008)

blind girl story

I woke up so early this morning, I was stumped on what to do. I showered, went for a short run, had some fruit, and logged on to see what I've missed on Facebook. I saw a new status update from the fan page, "When I Miss you, I re-read our old conversations and smile. :')", and I just started to span back to earlier statuses. I eventually stumbled on this one...

Once there was a blind girl. Everyone hated her except her boyfriend. She's always say to him. "If i was able to see, I would've married you." One day, all of a sudden, someone donated eyes to the girl. She opened her eyes just to find that her boyfriend was also blind! The boy then asked her, "Will you marry me now?" She rejected him. The boy just turned and began to walk away, he said in a low voice, "Please take care of my eyes."

I cannot believe how tragic this story is. Though there is a lesson to be learned here, I chose to disregard it and feel sympathetic to the boy who gave up the ability to see, just to feel his heart break when it should be the exact opposite. Fiction or no, I send out my regards to that boy; no matter what life throws at you, always take it in stride and don't let others hold you back.

As a side note, I'm getting extremely busy lately, so when I can't reflect or write a lengthy post, I'll just have a poem, quote, or song review up instead. Maybe even a 'to do' list. I really enjoy making those!

Until next time. Au revoir!

sad: seasonal affective disorder

A group of friends and I were having lunch earlier today, and we got into the discussion of how in the winter season, half if not a majority of people we know (including present company) seem to fall into a pattern every year. When the weather is pleasant and there's plenty of outdoor activities, just bout everyone is very agreeable, but when the sun practically disappears and it's very outcast, those gentle-tempered people turn introverted at some level. Out of us discussing it, my friend DL and I were told to be most affected by this type of mood disorder. I suppose that could be the reason why I lost some of my "energetic personality" since I came back from my vacation at the Islands. Which, by the way, has 85 degree winters. If I look back at my time on holiday, I did have much energy and I didn't need an alarm to haul myself off of bed in the mornings. In fact, I actually slept! This is a big deal considering here in the States, I'm pretty nocturnal; my bouts of insomnia spans for a few weeks at a time. Probably because of the heat, unlike the days, it's not very humid at night. So I had 6 or 7 hour nightly sleep, which was heaven compared to none or 3 to 4 hour nights. I also lost most of my appetite, which is amazing since sometimes I still inhale food when I'm bursting in the seams. Man, I didn't need to go to the gym! Just walk outside for a bit and I'm drenched in my sweat (ewh. I know).

Anyroad...when DL and I listened to our friends' semi-amateur 'analysis' (one was a Psych major), it really made sense to us. DL and I usually wait for events, activities, or friends to contact us before we "go out and have fun" around wintertime. While in the sunnier weather, it's usually the 2 of us planning all the shenanigans that go on within our immediate circle. I think it's bout time we do something to change this little predicament we're in. I for one should get out more often. I've been hiding in my room or bookstores whenever there's a party or such that I get invited to. I've even been skipping out on trips to the beach when it's not raining. Though it may be freezing beyond belief, it's nice to run away to the beach in between classes. Gotta the freedom to pick the time for your classes in college. I think I've exhausted this topic enough for now. I definitely will be coming back to review this again in a few days.

Oh, and for those of you who do read my posts, sorry I haven't been to able to blog much the past few days. And I won't be able to for the rest of the week. At least not until the weekend. Too much to do for the moment to get ahead. As for the SM updates that seem to entertain some of you (okay, just LS), I'll have a post dedicated to my progress in the series so far. But I gotta say, I'm past the halfway point. I just couldn't help myself and watched diligently when I'm not napping at night. There goes my "resting periods".