wrecked feelings©

Just say what you mean

I know words mean nothing.

So teach me to understand

Make me feel what you can't feel

Show me what I can't comprehend

But don't tell me to go,

Please dont' push me away

Because if I don't see you at all

I'll never get you out of my mind

When you're not in front of me,

I see you in my thoughts,

Always hear you in my head

If you don't love me,

Hate me

Make it easier to get over you

Help me forget my feelings

So I can love myself again

I'm tired of feeling

Let me be numb from it all

Be disconnected from the hurt

Lose everything that reminds of you

Happy, sad, all of it gone

It's useless to recall any memories,

What'd be the point? Why must I?

To get a moment of joy?

I'd rather be consistently downcast

Than fleetingly feel happiness

Not really experience it, just pass it by

I wouldn't want that for myself

Life would be unbearable

A living nightmare, consuming pain

I refuse to got through hell again

C.M. de Leon

(2008)

summer of sorts

As typical as it is to be so excited bout summer, I have some good reasons why I'm ecstatic of the coming months. (Anyone want to venture a guess on where the photo is of?) If I should be asked to list out the more momentous happenings, well, here they would be, in no particular order:

- Summer classes! Yes, this would classify my semi-newly acquired "nerd status", thank you very much. I'll be taking Yoga and Pilates (as always).

- Working part-time again. I used to be such a workaholic, well, what better time to get back into that old habit, it's been absolute ages in my opinion.

- I'll be back on the road. I cannot believe it. I'll be free of taking the train all over the place. As for buses and cabs, goodbye. The only thing holding me back is my lack of auto. Hopefully that'll rectify itself by the end of the month at least.

- More time to get my old hockey physique. I'm not saying I'm fat, else I'd receive a slap from certain individuals, but it can't be denied that I've let myself go, terribly. I miss the days when I can run 8 minute miles. Now, those are 11 minute miles. Shameful. My coach would be so disappointed in me.

- I can work in a new novel every 2 days again! With the literary classes on the down low, I can have my old jaunts in the park to read the days away, weather and work permitting of course.

- There's less reason for me to go partying and clubbing (sorry?) as I plan on keeping myself busy with the fitness classes, reading, work, blogging a few times a week, reaffirmation of my creative outputs, and spending some time to organize myself.

- Bonfires and a few relaxing gatherings with friends. Do I hear a picnic?

- My friend Tiffany is coming to live with me for the summer in a couple of weeks..

- Last but not least, August is full exciting things to do, and I for one cannot wait to get the summer done with so I can see my dearest friend in the world; Mark Kristian Suarez [Pajarillo], who is now Private Pajarillo! Of course other than our reunion, which I will be driving to Oklahoma for his graduation from Army boot camp to attend, I have my Napa excursion and "makeover" to look forward to that first week of August.

On a final note, though I've been told to consider love in summertime, I really cannot think of a good reason to even bother. Honestly, I don't think I'd be tempted to dive into that particular scenario anytime soon. For the moment, romantic pursuit holds no significance for me. Besides, I could never be complacent with a "safe" relationship; I believe that if the people you care for don't challenge you in some way, then you only feel obligated to care for them.

As one of my favorite authors, Ursula LeGuin, said: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” So, as much as I look forward to my destination, I shall endeavor to enjoy the time I have ahead of me, the said journey. I hope to come out a better person when I write the response to this post in two and a half months' time. Bonne chance à moi.

definition of love

After ages of ignoring my formspring account, it's pretty entertaining, I've decided to stop beating bout the bush and answer the onslaught of anonymous and identified questions. One of the most interesting from the batch I decided to answer for the day, (who knew my formspring accumulated over 30 questions?) is asking for my definition of love. So here it is:

Q: How would YOU define Love? :)

A: To me, absolutely anything could be love. Even "hate" could be explained or alludes to "love". But if I were to go into detail...

Love is an absolutely irrational way of thinking, where a person will outright disregard their own well-being, safety, and health for the sake of someone else; the person they claim to love with their whole being. Those with this condition will also spend inordinate amounts of money and time for the subject of their "affection". Most, if not all, will put up a defense saying that they feel complete happiness and satisfaction to be in such a state of mind.

It's ironic really; a self-serving, media-influenced, and careless way to carry out life. It could even be said that love is a way to keep the circle of life continuous; via procreating. Some would define it as the "best feeling in the world", where you only experience the positive emotions and a connection to another being who is your "soulmate."

Hope this answers your question.

unchanging, undying©

I'll take back what I've said

A chance is all I need now

Return to days we both felt alive

Reach out with me, remember who we are

We can break the walls that cause this pain

Mopping up this mess with picture perfect smiles,

Wouldn't change how I feel

Because I know that inside, you're still the same

Don't make all of my decisions for me

I admit that what I'd chosen was wrong

But I'd do it all again for you

Whenever I see your tears,

I feel my heart starts to bleed

Time I spent thinking of you,

Leaves me hoping for so much more

All you have to do is try

For our lives are too short to be uncertain

Please all I'm asking for is love

To cure me of my sickness

This irrevocable longing for you

Yet you never seem to have enough

Why can't you just love me back?

Just one more time

C. M. de Leon

(2008)

blind girl story

I woke up so early this morning, I was stumped on what to do. I showered, went for a short run, had some fruit, and logged on to see what I've missed on Facebook. I saw a new status update from the fan page, "When I Miss you, I re-read our old conversations and smile. :')", and I just started to span back to earlier statuses. I eventually stumbled on this one...

Once there was a blind girl. Everyone hated her except her boyfriend. She's always say to him. "If i was able to see, I would've married you." One day, all of a sudden, someone donated eyes to the girl. She opened her eyes just to find that her boyfriend was also blind! The boy then asked her, "Will you marry me now?" She rejected him. The boy just turned and began to walk away, he said in a low voice, "Please take care of my eyes."

I cannot believe how tragic this story is. Though there is a lesson to be learned here, I chose to disregard it and feel sympathetic to the boy who gave up the ability to see, just to feel his heart break when it should be the exact opposite. Fiction or no, I send out my regards to that boy; no matter what life throws at you, always take it in stride and don't let others hold you back.

As a side note, I'm getting extremely busy lately, so when I can't reflect or write a lengthy post, I'll just have a poem, quote, or song review up instead. Maybe even a 'to do' list. I really enjoy making those!

Until next time. Au revoir!

don't make it rain©

I'm drowning in my sorrows

Bury me in my secrets

I'm being left in my pain

And my dreams are being taken away

I never said it would be easy

It's tough and it gets tougher

Falling down where you belong

Was never suppose to end like this

I wish I could be you

Happy and only getting happier

Never felt a rush of pain

Always walking in the rain

Though your absence makes me sad

I've always been jealous of what you've had

Guess it wasn't meant to be

It was never you, and always me

C. M. de Leon

(2002)

day of overflowing love

Why are we subjected to showing affection to people we love on Valentine's Day? Is it really necessary that we should buy chocolates, jewelry, and all sorts of gifts just to prove our love? No. It is just another hyped media thinking that's gotten the consumer in all of use. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, I still don't like the purpose of this so-called holiday. I'd rather receive a greeting than a gift. It's the thought that counts right? And case in point, my close friend SY called twice just to greet me a "Happy Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year." Now THAT is what counts.

I predicted that I would cancel plans with my friend for today since last Thursday, and I was right on the point. Don't doubt me when it comes to a topic I strongly feel for.

Now that I've ranted my piece to no one in particular, I shall indulge in good food, a bowl of Ben & Jerry's, and a series of horror films.